Today, January 7th, 2015, Faith is three weeks old. I can't believe 3 weeks have gone by since I first laid eyes on that beautiful girl. I look at my 5 year old and wonder where the time has escaped to so fast! So many bumps and bruises, laughs and tears, hugs, kisses and bedtime stories. 5 years worth. Faith's parents are 3 weeks in and in what will seem like only days, 3 years will have passed, and then 5. It's so bittersweet, being a parent. You're anxious to find out what they'll be like later on down the road. What new habits they'll form, what their personality is/will be like, who they're going to resemble. But the whole time you're looking forward to those things, you're overwhelmed with feelings of nostalgia because they're even older and more different now than when you tucked them in the night before. No kidding. It's like saying "bye" to a younger version of themselves, every single day. I used to tell myself when Kale was a baby, that "I never want to forget this moment." And the truth is, I have. I've forgotten so many of those moments and can only remember saying that but not what I was saying it about. But from what I hear, that's normal; I just don't like it. I commend and admire those that have the patience to document every little thing. Those that write in a daily journal and get to look back and reflect, and remember those moments. "Should've, could've, would've." I can't take back that I didn't do that but I can make an effort now, knowing how I feel, because there are still so many of those moments that are worth remembering. I want to go on about how much I love my babies but the feelings are just too deep and complex to ever articulate and express with mediocre words. So to Kale, and to Faith, please know how much I love you. Just trust it and feel it and know that it's true.
*(I apologize in advance if I jump around a lot. I'm just getting the hang of writing/typing what's in my mind and I'm afraid it'll be as jumbled on here as it is in my head. I'm sure (I hope) I'll figure out a way though, that works and isn't too confusing!)*
Today I went and signed the documents surrendering my parental rights to Faith. It was something that I knew was coming, and although I didn't have any idea of what day it would happen (until yesterday), I was already prepared emotionally. Or so I thought. I sat in the car waiting for 3 o'clock to come so I could go in, see my lawyer, and sign. As I was sitting there I started feeling shaky and nervous and so many thoughts were racing through my mind! I could feel the tears coming on and I was doing my best to hold them back because I know for me, once they start, it's difficult to turn them off! I'm still not sure why I was feeling the way I was. It was something I knew was going to happen, Faith is already with her parents and doing amazingly well, and this was just expected to be a simple signature on a piece of paper. Even still, my emotions got the best of me.
I went in (with the biological Father who we can just call "G" for the sake of keeping his name private). While sitting waiting for the lawyer, me getting my emotions in check, all I wanted to do was look at the pictures I have of Faith. I looked at the pictures, on my phone, and I stopped crying and of course (as anyone would), I could only smile. What was I crying for? Faith is beautiful, healthy, loved and taken care of. "G" and I got taken into the room where we'd sign the papers and sat in there alone for a few minutes. He asked me "Why do you seem upset? It's not like anything is changing. Faith has been where she's at since she was born." And he was right. I know that. Again, I didn't know exactly why I was crying and I told him that too. I guess I knew it didn't matter so I didn't need to give him an answer because everything was going to be okay. I knew that then and I still know that now.
The lawyer came in with the mounds of paperwork and we got right down to business! We were signing machines! Honestly, sitting in the chairs, all I could picture were Faith's Mom and Dad sitting in our seats. I could see them there, together. "G" and I were sitting with not even a foot between us and yet looking at him, I felt like we were a thousand miles apart. This is why. This is why we were signing. "G" and I could never (this day or any other), be anything like (together) what Faith's adoptive parents will be. That's just the reality of the situation. So I pictured her parents in our seats and came to this realization and although it saddens me that I can't compare to them in that way, it makes me so happy and grateful that they are who they are. In my mind, Faith is the luckiest little girl in the entire world. I mean, in this day and age, how many children even have parents that are still together? It seems everywhere I look, there are children that come from broken homes. I do, my son does. And that's okay, that's life. But how lucky for those that don't. She gets to be one of those lucky ones.
This post isn't going to be a "brag up her parents" post, I'm sure I'll have plenty of those to follow.. but yet a post about how I felt today. It was a big day. Having a few hours pass since I signed, I know that the emotions were a result of the feeling of "closure" that I feel. Signing the paper(s) made this journey we've been on the business of everyone. (I know I've kind of made it everyone's business, haha!) but the business of people in power. The business of the province, of the country. It's real. There's no turning back. It's emotional. It's going to be okay. And most of all, Faith's life is going to be as perfect as anyone could ever hope for or dream of for their child(ren). I'm incredibly happy and blessed. And now I have to get back to playing "Skylanders" with my 5 year old!
Thanks for reading and sharing this special day with me. I hope you like Faith's "3 week old" picture, courtesy of her amazing Mom and Dad! <3